Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Tweaked!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Wanted: Monty Molar
Yesterday I broke a tooth. It's a terrible habit I picked up a few years ago and thought I'd managed to get over it. However it would now appear that I haven't and one of the molars on the right-hand side of my dainty gob has decided to fall apart (on the inside of my mouth, leaving a right ol' sharp piece of tooth to rub against my tongue. Oh the bliss.)
For those who are unaware of such things, here are some facts about
Teeth
* Human teeth can withstand up to 90 g-force shock before shattering. Sometimes more. Often less.
* The tooth fairy is actually a gay with really goofy gnashers who I was at school with.
* Teeth were originally made from wood, however the calcium-based fellows we have these days came along after a splinter group was formed.
* To prove how futuristic they are, pop combo The Futureheads have had all their teeth removed and replaced by a computerised chewing engine which they take on tour with them and ingest its pre-masticated pulp. The combined time saving for the group is nearly a fortnight over the year.
* Sugar is not good for teeth. Too much of it and they end up diabetic and require regular insulin injections.
* Although popular myth states that they are, dentists are not actually evil. Except yours.
For those who are unaware of such things, here are some facts about
Teeth
* Human teeth can withstand up to 90 g-force shock before shattering. Sometimes more. Often less.
* The tooth fairy is actually a gay with really goofy gnashers who I was at school with.
* Teeth were originally made from wood, however the calcium-based fellows we have these days came along after a splinter group was formed.
* To prove how futuristic they are, pop combo The Futureheads have had all their teeth removed and replaced by a computerised chewing engine which they take on tour with them and ingest its pre-masticated pulp. The combined time saving for the group is nearly a fortnight over the year.
* Sugar is not good for teeth. Too much of it and they end up diabetic and require regular insulin injections.
* Although popular myth states that they are, dentists are not actually evil. Except yours.
New wallpaper
Welcome to the new-look extra-value boredofjam.
It's taken me literally minutes of moderately easy work to change the entire look of the blog, so I hope you appreciate it. Nothing's changed apart from the make-up, but I think I'll be expanding the boredofjam universe a bit. You know, get it a bit more lively.
So starting from now, for every extra reader you bring to my blog I'll pay you - yes you! - one British pound.
All I need from you is proof that they're new readers: A sworn statement from them, witnessed and signed by a solicitor and posted to me special delivery should suffice. Include your name and address and a stamped addressed envelope with 64 pence-worth of stamps on it and in exchange for your loyalty I'll send you your pound coin.
What in the world could be easier? It's like free money! No, really, it is!
Free! Money!
It's taken me literally minutes of moderately easy work to change the entire look of the blog, so I hope you appreciate it. Nothing's changed apart from the make-up, but I think I'll be expanding the boredofjam universe a bit. You know, get it a bit more lively.
So starting from now, for every extra reader you bring to my blog I'll pay you - yes you! - one British pound.
All I need from you is proof that they're new readers: A sworn statement from them, witnessed and signed by a solicitor and posted to me special delivery should suffice. Include your name and address and a stamped addressed envelope with 64 pence-worth of stamps on it and in exchange for your loyalty I'll send you your pound coin.
What in the world could be easier? It's like free money! No, really, it is!
Free! Money!
Friday, March 24, 2006
Gazumped?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Be concerned no more
The previous alarmist entry in the boredofjam blog alluded to nothing more than my first attempt at purchasing a house.
It turns out I'm quite good at it (you know, going in with an initial "cheeky" low offer, then tutting and sucking one's teeth as thousands of pounds are added on to that more-than-reasonable price by the damned estate agent).
I guess I caved a bit. It's such a lovely place (I bought it, by the way) that truly, truly I wanted to live in it. Oh yes. And I shall name it "Dunbloggin".
Of course, I won't stop with the blog. Oh no. Now comes the "most stressful time of my life". It is bound to be filled with pleasures and delights beyond all imaginings. And I'll be more than happy to share them with you, all my readers. Both of you.
As Shakespeare once wrote: "Debt, thy name is Nationwide."
PS. Thank you for the emails and texts expressing concern over my alledged 'troublesome-time-of-it'. Now either piss off or lend me a fiver.
It turns out I'm quite good at it (you know, going in with an initial "cheeky" low offer, then tutting and sucking one's teeth as thousands of pounds are added on to that more-than-reasonable price by the damned estate agent).
I guess I caved a bit. It's such a lovely place (I bought it, by the way) that truly, truly I wanted to live in it. Oh yes. And I shall name it "Dunbloggin".
Of course, I won't stop with the blog. Oh no. Now comes the "most stressful time of my life". It is bound to be filled with pleasures and delights beyond all imaginings. And I'll be more than happy to share them with you, all my readers. Both of you.
As Shakespeare once wrote: "Debt, thy name is Nationwide."
PS. Thank you for the emails and texts expressing concern over my alledged 'troublesome-time-of-it'. Now either piss off or lend me a fiver.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Stay tuned...
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Warning: Politics
I cannot believe that the big boys, the top brass, the leaders of the political party that currently has its claws on the nation-state of Britain did not know about £14m quid in loans to the Labour Party.
Somehow, it seems, neither Tony Blair, John Prescott or any of the other chaps who actually run (a) the Labour Party or (b, more scarilly) this country were aware of where all their millions of pounds of funding was coming from.
It's like an exponential increase on Tessa Jowell's unbelievable denial that she had "no idea" about the £600k that all of a sudden appeared in her bank account. If that's a matter-of-course everyday bank credit for a Labour MP, then hell yeah I'm in.
One assumes that at some point this week Smiling Tony will roll out his usual speech for this sort of occasion and delcare that he considers the matter dealt with and will draw a line under it.
However, consider this: What if they're all lying fucks? Did you guys elect them? I know I didn't, so I have a nasty feeling that you're all to blame.
One final question before I go to bed: Would you buy a car from Tony Blair? No? Then why did you let him run the country again? Geez, one day you guys will work it out.
Somehow, it seems, neither Tony Blair, John Prescott or any of the other chaps who actually run (a) the Labour Party or (b, more scarilly) this country were aware of where all their millions of pounds of funding was coming from.
It's like an exponential increase on Tessa Jowell's unbelievable denial that she had "no idea" about the £600k that all of a sudden appeared in her bank account. If that's a matter-of-course everyday bank credit for a Labour MP, then hell yeah I'm in.
One assumes that at some point this week Smiling Tony will roll out his usual speech for this sort of occasion and delcare that he considers the matter dealt with and will draw a line under it.
However, consider this: What if they're all lying fucks? Did you guys elect them? I know I didn't, so I have a nasty feeling that you're all to blame.
One final question before I go to bed: Would you buy a car from Tony Blair? No? Then why did you let him run the country again? Geez, one day you guys will work it out.
You wouldn't believe who's a Cylon
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
International "pi" day
Ah, the infinitely long mathematical number "pi" gets its own day (3.14 for those of you without the American style dates installed).
But who cares? I'd much rather have International Pie day.
Pies, as everyone knows, are the best.
But who cares? I'd much rather have International Pie day.
Pies, as everyone knows, are the best.
Ah, the way is clear
Yay! New windscreen! Is lovely. And cost me but fifty punds, rather than the £668 on the bill.
Thank you Co-Op Insurance and Chris-the-RAC-man.
(Author's note: This entry isn't in the least bit grumpy, grouchy or filled with loathing. Remind me to double the effort for the next one.)
Thank you Co-Op Insurance and Chris-the-RAC-man.
(Author's note: This entry isn't in the least bit grumpy, grouchy or filled with loathing. Remind me to double the effort for the next one.)
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Shopping, last week
I went shopping with Buz and Clare last week.
I had such a fab time, I took a picture whilst we were in Debenhams. I've just been too frickin' lazy to upload it until now. Clicky to spot my slight - very slight - Elvis-top-lip impression.
I had such a fab time, I took a picture whilst we were in Debenhams. I've just been too frickin' lazy to upload it until now. Clicky to spot my slight - very slight - Elvis-top-lip impression.
The wisdom of the old
Having bought her cakes to share with her friends earlier in the week, picked her up at 10:30, taken her to church, bought her lunch, presents, flowers and a card, I asked my 87-year-old Grandma if she enjoyed her birthday today.
"No," she said. "I hated it."
"No," she said. "I hated it."
OMG - they killed [character name removed - Ed]
Battlestar Galactica just gets better and better with every passing episode. I've now got the complete second series down from tinternet and I've spent the best part of today watching episodes. I'm up to the end of episode 16 so there's only four left in this series.
Obviously Katee Sackoff*, Grace Park and Trish Helfer add a rather spangly space-babe vibe to the whole thing in a way that Dirk Benedict and Lorne Greene couldn't quite pull off in the original series, but it's just yummy anyway.
* I've met Katee Sackhoff, and not in a spooky "Well, Ms Sackhoff, welcome to your new home. You've met my associate, Mr Kidnap-and-bundle-into-a-van-in-broad-daylight" way, either. In fact, she's so sexy that although light does bounce off her in the traditional way, it enjoys the experience so much that it wraps back round on itself and has another go.
Obviously Katee Sackoff*, Grace Park and Trish Helfer add a rather spangly space-babe vibe to the whole thing in a way that Dirk Benedict and Lorne Greene couldn't quite pull off in the original series, but it's just yummy anyway.
* I've met Katee Sackhoff, and not in a spooky "Well, Ms Sackhoff, welcome to your new home. You've met my associate, Mr Kidnap-and-bundle-into-a-van-in-broad-daylight" way, either. In fact, she's so sexy that although light does bounce off her in the traditional way, it enjoys the experience so much that it wraps back round on itself and has another go.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Tell me do
Now I could be wrong here, but if you're spreading marge and Marmite onto a roll using a teaspoon, there is something seriously wrong, yes?
Insert your own title here
Cars
What the fuck? I mean, What? The? Fuck?
There is surely some nasty, horrid secret in my past which has come on round on the gas-guzzling Karma Bus and is currently pumping out its noxious exhaust fumes all over my bunch-of-shit-at-the-moment life.
My poor old motor is having a real rough time of it. Not only did it have to suffer the indignity of an MOT last week (which it passed, thankfully), it's had the paintwork scraped (see a previous entry), the fuel gauge has packed up again and - AND - some bastard driver kicked up a bloody great spray of stones and gravel over my windscreen, cracking it in a rather lovely manner. So now I have to get a new bleedin' windscreen. But of course, the people can't come out until next Tuesday. By which time the glass will no doubt have shattered completely and fallen out of the frame.
Haha, I jest, of course. Of course I do. But nothing would surprise me at the moment.
You see, glass breaking and my car are currently best buddies. Oh yes. Especially if that glass is in the shape of a bottle of red wine in my boot. It went everywhere. Well, down the back of the rear seats and into the carpet in the boot to be honest. But I've now got a car that smells like a tramp's armpit. And I know why it happened too.
It's because when I got to the checkout with my six bottles of wine and the loaf of bread I'd bought for Ian and Nic, I said to the lass behind the till I said, "Heh, look, it seems I'm on the Jesus diet." Man, I am ever Damned. Obviously the quip went over the head of the vacant-looking bird asking for my Nectar card.
So, it's a deep breath and a rootle out of the insurance details so that I can find out how much my new windscreen will cost (on top of a premium increase next year).
Houses
All I wanna do is buy a house, but all the bloody Estate Agents in Ipswich don't want to sell me one. I have a shed load of money I, ahem, acquired from a chum in, er, Kent, and wish to invest it - no questions asked - in a gaff of my own.
But whenever I phone up and ask about going to see one of these wretched places, they've "just been sold". I get the feeling that "just been sold" is the Estate Agent equivalent of "the cheque's in the post", or "who the hell do you think you are phoning me up just now? I was about to have a cup of tea."
Blogs
There's a fucking AWARD for the best person at writing blogs?? Give me a break. The two British entries are the professional-author penned Belle du Jour and some geek who likes eating full English breakfasts. Did boredofjam get a single mention as "best most grumpy blog"? Did it bollocks. Looks like I'm going to have to get even more grumpy. You have been warned.
However, on a more amusing note, I am off to see Dara O'Briain this evening. Hurrah!
[Also, it was Stuart's birthday today, so Happy Birthday pal.]
Now fuck off the lot of you.
What the fuck? I mean, What? The? Fuck?
There is surely some nasty, horrid secret in my past which has come on round on the gas-guzzling Karma Bus and is currently pumping out its noxious exhaust fumes all over my bunch-of-shit-at-the-moment life.
My poor old motor is having a real rough time of it. Not only did it have to suffer the indignity of an MOT last week (which it passed, thankfully), it's had the paintwork scraped (see a previous entry), the fuel gauge has packed up again and - AND - some bastard driver kicked up a bloody great spray of stones and gravel over my windscreen, cracking it in a rather lovely manner. So now I have to get a new bleedin' windscreen. But of course, the people can't come out until next Tuesday. By which time the glass will no doubt have shattered completely and fallen out of the frame.
Haha, I jest, of course. Of course I do. But nothing would surprise me at the moment.
You see, glass breaking and my car are currently best buddies. Oh yes. Especially if that glass is in the shape of a bottle of red wine in my boot. It went everywhere. Well, down the back of the rear seats and into the carpet in the boot to be honest. But I've now got a car that smells like a tramp's armpit. And I know why it happened too.
It's because when I got to the checkout with my six bottles of wine and the loaf of bread I'd bought for Ian and Nic, I said to the lass behind the till I said, "Heh, look, it seems I'm on the Jesus diet." Man, I am ever Damned. Obviously the quip went over the head of the vacant-looking bird asking for my Nectar card.
So, it's a deep breath and a rootle out of the insurance details so that I can find out how much my new windscreen will cost (on top of a premium increase next year).
Houses
All I wanna do is buy a house, but all the bloody Estate Agents in Ipswich don't want to sell me one. I have a shed load of money I, ahem, acquired from a chum in, er, Kent, and wish to invest it - no questions asked - in a gaff of my own.
But whenever I phone up and ask about going to see one of these wretched places, they've "just been sold". I get the feeling that "just been sold" is the Estate Agent equivalent of "the cheque's in the post", or "who the hell do you think you are phoning me up just now? I was about to have a cup of tea."
Blogs
There's a fucking AWARD for the best person at writing blogs?? Give me a break. The two British entries are the professional-author penned Belle du Jour and some geek who likes eating full English breakfasts. Did boredofjam get a single mention as "best most grumpy blog"? Did it bollocks. Looks like I'm going to have to get even more grumpy. You have been warned.
However, on a more amusing note, I am off to see Dara O'Briain this evening. Hurrah!
[Also, it was Stuart's birthday today, so Happy Birthday pal.]
Now fuck off the lot of you.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
How to empty a row of seats at the theatre
The Mighty Boosh tour hit Ipswich this evening and so Nic and I went along to support Vince Noir and Howard Moon. Very excellent they were too. Everything you'd expect from the Boosh Boys, and satisfyingly better'n the League of Gentlemen that Paul S and I caught last October time.
Come half-time though, we noticed something had happened to the rest of the people in our row...
[Pic: It's clear all the way from here to the sound guy thanks to Nic's terrible wind problem]
Come half-time though, we noticed something had happened to the rest of the people in our row...
[Pic: It's clear all the way from here to the sound guy thanks to Nic's terrible wind problem]
An extra three inches
Now then Paul R, if you're reading this, control yourself. Just cos the title could be misconstrued by a more wicked mind than mine doesn't mean it's about anything of a sordid nature.
I was given as an extremely generous Christmas present the opportunity to have a sports therapy massage. You see many people who are reading this will know, but for those that don't, I broke my collarbone about 18 months ago and it's been playing me merry hell since then.
[Pic: One of these bones is doing its own thing...]
So Alix, in her infinite wisdom got me this session with a lady who sees bodies as I see bread dough on the rare occasions I decide to make a loaf. It turns out that after all this time, my left side is somewhat tense. Indeed once the session was over and I was told to expect pain tomorrow, I noticed that my left arm was now somewhat longer than it had been previously. Or maybe it was back to being its proper length. Still, it felt kinda good and one session isn't really enough to encourage the mess of tight muscles in my shoulder to relax, so I'm back off there again at the end of the month.
I was given as an extremely generous Christmas present the opportunity to have a sports therapy massage. You see many people who are reading this will know, but for those that don't, I broke my collarbone about 18 months ago and it's been playing me merry hell since then.
[Pic: One of these bones is doing its own thing...]
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Incidentally...
Bastard fucker bastard
Whichever arsehole scraped into my car, stopped, wiped at it with a cloth to see how bad the damage was and then fucked off without admitting to anything had better watch out 'cos I'm going to hunt down and kill you, your parents and your children and broadcast it on my own satellite TV channel.
Like two goldfish in a tank*
Buz and I have been trying to learn how to play poker this evening, and we had fun trying to make sense of the "easy to follow" instructions which went something like:
1. Deal two cards.
2. Play poker. The winner's the guy at the end with all the money.
We may be getting there and in a few months time might be able to play a hand or two without having the cards all face up so we can see what's happening.
Any tips or hints welcome. Especially on that "betting" thing. It just doesn't seem as cool as it is in the movies.
*One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
1. Deal two cards.
2. Play poker. The winner's the guy at the end with all the money.
We may be getting there and in a few months time might be able to play a hand or two without having the cards all face up so we can see what's happening.
Any tips or hints welcome. Especially on that "betting" thing. It just doesn't seem as cool as it is in the movies.
*One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
Let's give it up for Lent
For the Lent period this year I have decided to go without:
1. Snacks
2. Women
Doing well so far on both counts it would seem.
1. Snacks
2. Women
Doing well so far on both counts it would seem.
